No one grows up untouched by darkness.
Things we want no one to find out about,
Not only the stories behind our scars,
But the wounds that led to them,
Not only our deeds but the desires from whence they came.
It is only through confession that we heal and stop portraying a picture of perfection that everyone admires because you only receive the healing that you fully show up for,
And God cannot bless who you pretend to be,
So let’s stop the pretense.
I have never claimed to be perfect and I never will,
I have had my fair share of darkness,
Moments of my life I cannot look back on without cringing or shaking my head hoping to get the thoughts away.
I was exposed to porn in 8th grade…
The innocent mind of a thirteen year old boy corrupted before its time,
I still remember the days before when diving into the pages of a Bible gave me the greatest pleasure,
Before Trace and MTV,
When “abstain from sex” was enough to keep my curious mind at bay,
I wish it were that easy.
I was exposed to a world that I wished I had been taught about by elders or parents,
I wish I didn’t have to learn about sex and nudity from the mouths of youths just as curious as me, with untamed imaginations.
Porn lead to years of body exploration or to be blunt, masturbation.
Told myself that if I’m not sleeping with anyone until marriage then this could be an outlet, wrong,
I tied a noose around my neck and used it as a way to gain the intimacy that my soul craved, but little did I know I was starving my spirit and feeding my flesh,
Had a soul that needed water but I fed it salt.
A dehydrated or should I say “thirsty” young man misusing the gifts that God had bestowed upon humankind for selfishness.
I’m imperfect and in need of a saviour.
Porn and masturbation never gave me the intimacy I sought, nor did they fill the void within my soul because true intimacy has nothing to do with physical contact or a hug but with true and genuine human connections. I believe that the truest act of intimacy was having Jesus on that cross, laying down His life for each and everyone of our sins and I couldn’t help but think that whenever I intentionally sinned, I crucified my saviour again and again and again. How could I trifle with the thing that killed my lover…
I am doing better,
I do not regret the past because if I remove even a second of it, then I wouldn’t be who I am and if I add to it, then I’m a different me.
I hear the chains falling,
Piece by piece my soul is restored as I lay the trash at Jesus’ feet and journey on with the Spirit.
Life is all about choices and today, I choose to hold every thought captive to the obedience of the knowledge of Christ because one mouth can not declare both blessings and curses and one heart can not hold both love and hatred,
So I’m choosing to let go,
Like seas to the nudge of winds,
Like leaves to the change of seasons,
Like ice to the touch of heat,
Like seeds in contact with soil,
Like clay in the potter’s hands,
I’m choosing to Trust the winds to create waves that carry love letters buried at the bottom of glass bottles, to trust the change of seasons to teach lessons of beauty despite the change in appearance,
To trust melted ice to quench the thirst of lost travelers,
To trust the soil to nurture the seed in order to feed nations,
In the same way that nature is handled with care,
How much more will I who carries the breath of the Creator in my lungs?
I will let God fix me,
I will let my soul get restored…